After my ADHD diagnosis, I began to rethink how I play games

Every time a little white rectangle came up on the black computer screen, I pressed the button. Rectangle, button. Rectangle, button. I idly wondered if this was testing my focus while doing repetitive tasks. It was also the first time I felt “competent” during this neurological evaluation, and reminded me of spending hours late into the night waiting to hear my fishing bobber splash while fishing for a Sewer Rat pet in World of Warcraft. The results, when they were emailed to me several weeks later, confirmed what my psychiatrist already suspected: I did indeed have ADHD.

Being diagnosed with a mental disability as an adult initially felt like a relief, as prior to this I thought that maybe COVID-19 lockdowns had triggered some sort of early-onset dementia. Later, I realized it cast the rest of my life in stark relief. Everything that defined me on both a physical and existential level felt impacted by the diagnosis, and it’s been a challenge since then to figure out what my life will look like going forward. Gaming — which takes up a lion’s share of my life as both a hobby and a professional interest — is something I’ve had to substantially change my relationship towards, much like everything else I do on a regular basis.